Turkey Trot 2022
The sequel returns, again, Part XLI?
November 23, 2022 - DW
By now the reader is doubtlessly experiencing an insatiable thirst for results of the 2022 Turkey Trot. After an initial spate of controversy followed by a thorough investigation, our crack staff of fancy writers cautiously forwards what they hope will pass as the true story (or attract the most bribe money).
Video Evidence Fails to Confirm Micander Victory
In a conclusion reminiscent of former U.S. pResident Richard Nixon’s personal secretary Rosemary Woods’ contribution to the Watergate scandal (consult Wikipedia), a 27-second video clip of the Trot’s conclusion posted on the SFRFC Team Reach site ends just as reported 2022 champion Cory Micander ponders the last 1/2 ounce of dark beer left in his transparent cup. Whether he in fact finished his beer ahead of second-position runner Jeremy Lithgow seems probable but is not confirmed before the clip ends. Meanwhile, Mando Herrera, resplendent in a ruby red full-length Victorian gown adorned with pulsating colored lights, enters the shot and seems to down his last beer in a single swig, raising his arms in apparent triumph.
A famous come-from-behind victory! – except that a good portion of Mr. H’s beer clearly ends up sloshing over his face and onto the deck, drawing the accusing fingers of Mssrs. Micander and Lithgow, plus an unidentified witness situated near the camera.
According to a closely-placed source speaking anonymously yet authoritatively: “As for incidents I cannot recall anything other than Mando just being Mando. He came in after Corn, finished half his beer and spilled the rest, then claimed he won.”
Official Turkey Trot rules forwarded to the editors clearly dictate a one-minute fine for a variety of shortcomings, of which leakage has since time immemorial appeared at the top. Special Laws of the Trot for 2022 included left-hand drinking only and drinking while standing on one foot, alternating feet from one bar to the next.
Corn Takes Jewels Home Anyway
And so, in the absence of further countervailing claims, Corn Dog is our champion of the 2022 Turkey Trot, following in the wake of the stunning performance of Mrs. Micander at the recent Santa Fe International Half Marathon. Micander (Mr.) recorded a time of 15 minutes over the six-station course:
START: SF Brewing Company’s Brake Room;
North one-half mile to Desert Dog pub on San Francisco Street;
Down San Francisco to Evangelos (a nice place to visit);
Across Galisteo and down the dark stairs of The Matador;
Back up the increasingly slippery stairs and one-mile south to NM Hard Cider Taproom;
North to West Manhattan one-tenth mile and FINISH at Brake Room
Cornsolidifies his place among multiple Turkey Trot champions by taking year-long possession (means you gotta bring it back next year) of the Club’s sacred Captain Morgan pearl necklace etched with the names of other habitual winners, defined as two wins or more: Joaquin Chavez, Bill Kennedy, Greg Smith, Darren Smith, Derek Gordon, Greg Huey, and now, Cory Micander. Congratulations, champ.
While race monitors can be sought out for their eyewitness accounts of how the drinking unfolded, what will never be known are the lurid details that occur each Thanksgiving eve in the streets of our fair city. The instances of jostling, taunting, long runs down short cuts, and upper GI disturbances can only be assumed and marveled at. (One year, the local newspaper reported sightings of a group of men, described as soccer players, belching and bellowing as they lurched out of the shadows and disappeared down dimly lit downtown streets.) Such behavior has been an annual occurrence since red-headed flanker Joe Watson claimed the maiden race nearly a half century ago and promptly passed out, eyes open, with his chair leaned against a wall of the Plaza Orehouse (now Thunderbird).
Most of all, it was most heartening in the wake of the pandemic to see a larger pool of talent than in recent years.
The Horses (not necessarily in order of finish):
Cory Micander
Jeremy Lithgow
Armando Herrera
Jason Lithgow
John Bent
Donner
Eli Iramk-Bent, Pomona RFC
Pomona student Will Farnfield
Eli's Los Alamos friend Syler (surname not available at press time)
Big Dylan Merrigan’s racehorse #1
Big Dylan Merrigan’s racehorse #2
Matt Odle
Adam Jobes
Blitzen
Thanks go to the race Monitors, without whom even more rules would have been ignored than were:
Ivan Calhoun, aka Calvin Ihoun
Jared Skillman
Travis Hudson
Dylan Merrigan (resolutely fair despite having two horses in the race)
Jonathon Lithgow
Contributors: T. Hudson, J. Skillman, J. Bent, D. Merrigan
POSTSCRIPT
Due to a recurring technical issue*, several revealing photographs and videos associated with this story cannot be included in this printing. It is advised curious readers ask a SFRFC Santo player for a peek at the gallery on his TeamReach account.
*it’s called “ignorance”
- the editors
